Dear Fortune Cookie Writer

Dear fortune cookie writer, I’d like to say to you:
Please could you write some fortunes that actually come true,
For in a lifetime I have found of fortune cookie eating,
Your accuracy really stinks. Whose quotas are you meeting?

But I suppose I’m not the first to write you in this way
For now your fortunes seem to have more prudent things to say:
“A good deed that you will perform will make you very happy.”
I’d rather read, “You’ll strike gold soon” and laugh at just how crappy
Your fortunes are, forgivable because it’s like a joke,
But when you write, “The future’s near”, it makes me want to choke.

I guess I’m torn between the two, a truth that makes me yawn
Or a fortune that will make me smile and laugh but never dawn.
But just for once I’d like to see a cookie dream come true,
For then I’d know how hard you tried in ways I never knew.

I would love to read any replies to this in the role of the fortune cookie writer, starting with “Dear fortune cookie reader/eater”. And no, it doesn’t have to rhyme. 🙂

73 thoughts on “Dear Fortune Cookie Writer

  1. Dear Fortune Cookie eater,
    how more accurate can I be
    because in truth the future
    is nearer than it seems,
    and if you do good deeds,
    I’m sure you will be happy
    though my lines, they are not so snappy
    at least they have the ring of truth!
    Alas and forsooth
    I can’t tell you, you’ll find a pot of gold
    for my master will be told
    that he’s a bloody liar
    and then I should be fired!
    But one thing I can say
    that you’ve just had a fine day
    ’cause if you have this cookie
    it means that its been goody
    having just eaten a fine dinner
    at a Chinese diner!
    😉

    1. LOL very nice! You sound like an overworked, underpaid fortune cookie writer with a tyrant boss lol. Friggin’ awesome. 🙂

      1. 😀 Confucius says:
        fortune cookie writer and poet,
        when overworked with tyrant boss
        make funny rhymes for kitties
        and is happy to make them smile
        while having a little fun!
        Glad you liked it!

  2. Dear fortune cookie eater, listen and take heed:
    I am the time of learning past and the future you want me to be 😀

    1. Oooo, a cryptic fortune cookie writer. Nicely played! Love it! 🙂

  3. I wonder if the FC writer foresaw such complaints? Great concept – very well done.

    1. Haha I don’t know, but I bet letters of complaint are going somewhere…kind of like Santa Claus and the North Pole.

  4. I frequently got the fortune you will met a stranger from a faraway land or something along those lines and my husband is Swedish so lol I must have gotten them same fortune 7 times which is really weird. My husband once got the fortune “You’re pretty” my husband is a very masculine man so I thought it was hilarious especially when he started singing “I feel pretty oh so pretty”

    1. A stranger from a faraway land…such an interesting fortune that apparently came true for you. The story about your husband’s fortune is hilarious. You should’ve gotten it on tape. 🙂

  5. Dear Fortune cookie eater, I have received your mail
    About how you think the fortunes are one colossal “FAIL.”
    Perhaps you haven’t understood the service that I give
    Typing out those little gems that help you all to live.

    I have to write them in a vague, terse, and general way,
    And it’s your interpretation that has to come in play.
    You see, “Good luck will come your way,” can mean so many things,
    Like a deal on a good car, no rust, low miles, no dings.

    Or to a person in the dumps, a friend to make them smile,
    Or to see a friend you haven’t seen in a very long, long while.
    “Your fortune is about to change,” could be good or very bad,
    Like gaining even a small bit or losing what you had.

    So you see it’s not the fortunes, but the way that people read
    And digest the very meanings after a lo mein feed.
    Don’t blame me if you aren’t up to fortune-cooking reading.
    I’ve had many compliments to say I am succeeding.

    Like Lily, from Biloxi, who says, “Your fortune was dead on!
    You said, ‘You will very soon lose face,” and now my acne’s gone!”
    And Jeff, from Minnesota, who said, “It all came true!
    You said, ‘Your life is looking up,’ and, now, the sky is blue!”

    So you want entertainment? Try this on for size:
    “Words have many meanings, please adjust your eyes.”
    When you open your next cookie, just look on the back
    And your new word in Chinese will give you what you lack.

    1. ROFL practically perfect in every way, and I agree with you completely…except my disgruntled fortune cookie eater must say this:

      Dear fortune cookie writer, I fear you miss the point,
      Perhaps another writer would not so disappoint.
      Why must I do YOUR job for you? I won’t, I have my pride.
      Poor Jeff and Lily never knew that they were had and tried!

      S/he is extremely lazy. Might be a cat. 😉

  6. I am not poet so I can’t even attempt to try. I have to say though I love it for being so spot on! I remember when fortune cookies used to predict the future and then the started switching to the obvious or just a word of advice. I also have to say you have received some great responses but particularly the one above from Soberflight. I love the way you challenge people here! 😀

    1. You write so poetically, I daresay it would be an easy bridge to cross if you wanted to. I’m blessed that my readers are willing to oblige me in such ways. I suspect some of them may be a little kooky themselves. 😉

  7. Dear Fortune Cookie Eater
    The truth is I’m Father Christmas
    And I took on the job to make ends meet, during my off-season.

    1. Ah, that would explain it! Well, you are forgiven everything then since I know how hard you work during Christmas to make all the good little boys and girls happy every year. Don’t eat too many of the cookies while you are writing! 🙂

  8. Dear Fortune Cookie Reader:

    my fortunes ARE true
    maybe just not for you

    the cookie’s the thing
    the words are just bling

    1. I suppose they must be true for somebody. Luck of the draw then I guess. The cookie is indeed the thing! Bling bling! 🙂

  9. A fun concept, and great writing!
    Personally, I haven’t had much luck with fortune cookies either. I once received a blank fortune and another time a fortune that read “You will make progress in your work” and was asked to resign two days later. I’d very much like to have a word with the fortune writer too.

    1. That is a horrible fortune. Talk about missing the mark completely. Perhaps that is why they have gone the “sun may or may not shine today” route to cover their arses.

  10. HAHAHAHA “Whose quotas are you meeting?” LOL

    1. Haha glad you got a laugh out of that! 🙂

  11. Dear fortune cookie eater, I’m so sorry you’re upset
    And are not satisfied with the predictions that you get.
    I’m making no excuses for these platitudes and lies,
    But let me help you see the situation through my eyes.

    They make cookies by the million, sell ‘em all around the world,
    And every single one must have a piece of paper curled
    Inside it with a promise that will make the diner’s day –
    And after all these years I’m running low on things to say.

    I started out with big ideas: I told myself I’d write
    Inspiring lines to raise the spirits, dazzle and delight.
    But soon I found that, even though I did my very best,
    My words were hollow as the cookies. Man, was I depressed.

    And so I stuck to tried-and-tested: love, long life and wealth,
    And general reassurances about my readers’ health
    While wishing I might, one day, read a fortune that came true
    For me. You see, my friend, I’m thinking just the same as you.

    Perhaps one day we’ll find a way to read the diner’s mind
    And match the cookie to their thoughts, ensuring that they find
    Precisely what they want to written on that strip inside –
    Words they could read with pleasure, and that I could write with pride.

    For now, there’s little I can do: I fear my stock-in-trade
    Must be the same vague, dime-a-dozen claims I’ve always made.
    But I predict: “Your poem will receive a rhymed reply.”
    And look at that – it DID come true. So thank you – and goodbye!

    1. Wowza, that is one heck of a reply. You have my sympathies. I didn’t know you had it so rough.

      Brilliant stuff. I really enjoyed your response. Absolutely tickled me pink with delight! 🙂

      1. The pleasure’s all mine – thank you for throwing down the gauntlet and making me write something I would never have thought of otherwise. And it was such fun, too; glad you enjoyed it. N.

        1. You have a wonderful knack for rhymes. I’m glad you had fun with it as I enjoyed it very much! 🙂

  12. Ha.. very relevant.. I thought the trick of writing a fortune cookie is that it always come true…

    almost like: “something will happen”

    1. Hmm, I like that…”something will happen”…they should stick that in every fortune cookie. I say we advocate for that as a standard fortune, along with some other very generic and all-encompassing statements. 🙂

  13. This is great. You’ve made me smile after a hard day and I’m still smiling reading the great responses. What a cat! 🙂 🙂 x

    1. Glad you are smiling after a hard day. Hopefully the following days will be easier on you. 🙂

      1. I wish you could look in a fortune cookie and tell me. 😉 x

  14. Dear fortune cookie reader/eater : Today belongs to you. Tomorrow requires another fortune cookie.

    1. ROFL nice one! I bet you sell a lot of fortune cookies. 😀

      1. Too much Panda Express.

  15. authormirandastone September 10, 2013 — 10:37 am

    I kept getting a fortune cookie telling me that I’m going to buy some new clothes. Considering I still wear cardigans that are almost 20 years old (they were made to last back then!), I didn’t put much stock in it. Then I got another one telling me: “Come back later. Fortune cookie is sleeping. Yes, fortune cookies need sleep, too.” To that one I say, WTH?

    1. LMAO I love that second fortune. “Fortune cookie is sleeping…” ROFL. The fortune cookie writer was having some fun that day! I would have kept that one for posterity. 😀

  16. This poem reminded me of the movie Freaky Friday….Started as a Fortune cookie disaster but ended nicely

  17. Dear Fortune Cookie Reader/Eater
    the fortune would come true
    if my handwriting were neater
    but my script is like a doctor’s
    meant for pharmacy Proctor’s
    so the printing company cannot read
    the fortunes that I seed
    so it comes out in the cookie
    like a bad tip with a bookie
    it never comes true
    leaving you so blue
    and me looking silly
    like a torn shoe.

    1. LOL now that’s clever! Who would’ve thought bad handwriting was the cause of so many horrible fortunes? lol 😀

  18. Dear Fortune Cookie Reader: Good things come in small packages. i expect your parcels will be very large. —–Chagall

    1. LMAO What in the heck is that supposed to mean? Now I will be expecting something really bad in a large parcel. 😛

      1. 🙂 Dear Fortune Cookie Reader: Don’t sweat the small stuff – perspire in very large droplets. —–Chingall

        1. LOL alright, now I can tell you’re just messing with me. 😛

  19. Dear fortune cookie reader,

    A Special delivery for you.
    Just as a Leprechaun and his pot of gold is elusive,
    Or that fairy godmother granting you a wish,
    It’s one in a million you don’t get a defective fortune cookie 🙂
    BTW…love your writing.

    1. I guess those odds are still better than winning the lottery. I wonder what makes the fortune cookies defective…maybe something in the curling/inserting process? Thank you for replying! I loved it. 🙂

  20. You will hear playful laughter all your days.

    Honest!

    1. Hmm, that sounds like I’ll be stalked by a very happy ghost. Are you sending Casper after me?

  21. Dear silly fortune cookie eater
    I will not burst your bubble
    You’ve written all of these words
    You’ve gone to so much trouble
    The fortunes that we place
    On tables and in to-go bags
    Are merely written fable
    Philosophical little tags
    Still, you should take us seriously
    You will if you are astute
    Link us to reality
    Then simply follow through
    What you are not seeing
    Are our good intentions
    We do not write to bore you
    Or weave tales without reasons
    We write to motivate
    To help you act positively
    We write to inspire
    To illuminate what you fail to see
    “A good deed that you will perform
    Will make you very happy”
    This is true at all times
    Just try it out and see
    Your future is always near
    If you are so clever
    Listen to these words
    They’ll help you make it better

    1. Good intentions?? The road to hell is paved with good intentions! I now foresee that there is a special section in hell just for fortune cookie writers.

      Sorry, my fortune cookie eater is a little cranky. But I love your reply! “philosophical little tags” indeed! What a fabulous poetic response. 🙂

      1. True good intentions
        Do mean well
        It is the hard decisions
        That could pave your way to hell

        Thank you, this was fun 🙂

        1. Ooo, love this little verse here. Glad you had fun! 🙂

  22. Dear fortune cookie reader, I have some terrible news,
    unfortunately those cookies are much too small for such invaluable truths,
    you see, those cookies are American made; the Mandarin told me so.
    By the way, Iron Man 3 is on point. I thought I should let you know.

    Back to the topic at hand, please allow me a moment or two;
    the future is never written, until it is followed through.
    That is, Nostradamus and his ilk, like the cookies with their words,
    are not valid unless written down after the future has occurred.

    I know this is not the answer the sagely sort ought to give,
    but honestly why ask after futures when you’ve but one life to live?
    Now enjoy your treat and reflect on the words then toss them in the bin
    and forget them by when morning comes; you won’t need them in the end.

    Bleh… It was worth a try, eh?

    🙂

    1. American-made fortune cookies?! For shame! So that’s where the lie begins…an American-made fortune cookie masquerading in Chinese restaurants as the real deal. Hmm, but if the future is never written until after it has occurred, then it seems kind of pointless to even contemplate. I will just eat the cookie instead. Point well taken! 🙂

      Loved it Sahm! Especially how you throw philosophy into the mix so nonchalantly. Such a treat. 😉

      1. Yeah, apparently that’s an American invention. I actually learned well before Iron Man 3. Blu would tell you I’m talking out of my arse, though, ’cause I use the lucky numbers to play the lottery… :/ LMAO.

  23. Dear fortune cookie eater,
    Your problem is not mine,
    The problem lies completely
    With the reader.
    Now allow me to define
    My reply more repletely…

    When you break the plastic
    Encasing your sweet treat
    You must first close your eyelids.
    Then fantastic
    Things must happen with your feet
    Like cute tap dancing blind kids.

    Once your routine is performed
    And the onlookers cheer
    You may then unwrap your treat.
    Your taste buds warmed,
    Extract the paper, but be clear:
    Cookie must be whole to eat.

    If all these steps are taken
    And cookie doesn’t break
    Your fortune will be realized
    Not forsaken
    My reputation I stake
    On this, to my own demise…

    1. ROFL “cute tap dancing blind kids”. I had no idea the cookie had to be eaten whole! Why did no one ever tell me this before?? That explains everything. I’ve been going about this all wrong. Thank you so much for enlightening me! What a fantastically brilliant reply! 😀

      1. Wow, I wrote that late at night, and just reread it…I even made myself laugh! 🙂 …(that’s probably not a good thing).

        1. Making oneself laugh is always a good thing. You may get some strange looks if you do it too much in public though.

          1. Not gonna lie, it’s happened. The worst is when u laugh at something no one else can hear (like headphones in a library)…

            1. Ooo, in the library is the worst! People will shush you there.

          2. Like laughing at something no one else can hear (i.e. Headphones in a library)…

  24. Dear Fortune Cookie Eater,

    Wikipedia informs us that a “fortune” is “vague prophecy”,
    Unlike the Christians’ Holy Scriptures, (de)void of intricacy,
    of certainty and security, though at times (I admit) it has wit;
    But lo! my dear WordPress friend, it’s a sham— deal with it.

    Jashaél, the One-Minute-Old Fortune Cookie Writer

    P.S. I LOVE your poem.

    1. ROFLMAO So direct! Kapow! K.O. The One-Minute-Old Fortune Cookie Writer is much wiser beyond one minute! LOL Fantastic. 😀

  25. Dear Fortune Cookie Reader,

    I wonder what makes you
    think that I can truly read the future when I
    don’t even understand the present. But, one
    thing I know for sure, I
    know that brighter days are coming. For
    you. And, for
    me, too. So, keep
    holding on.

    1. Lol that sounds like a pretty good fortune to me! Love it. 🙂

  26. I used to keep my fortunes, no matter what they said
    the fortunes always seemed better when followed with “in bed”

    🙂

  27. Dear Fortune cookie reader,
    Thank you for your critical insight,
    I’m disappointed I ruined your appetite,
    But that’s the unfortunate fate of those who write
    Bland unfulfilling Words that both suck and bite.

    Thanks for the look, etc.

    1. Lol “bland unfulfilling words” indeed! Wonderful response! 🙂

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